Holiday Parties

This was just too good not to post, it's from the NYTimes.

December 22, 2008, 9:55 pm

Really, It’s the Booze Talking

By Glenn Eichler

Alcohol is often called a “social lubricant,” which I always took to mean that it was friendlier than other lubricants — like that party-pooper, motor oil. But “social lubricant” apparently refers to the fact that alcohol eases conversation by removing your fear of saying something idiotic, or, if you have no such fear, by dulling the fight-or-flight reflex of acquaintances who otherwise would be nimble enough not to get stuck talking with you.

The quotations below bear that definition out. Every single one of them is something I actually heard said by someone holding a drink at a holiday party. Or maybe misheard because of all the drunken holiday babbling. Or, O.K., maybe they’re things I might have heard if I ever got invited to any holiday parties, which I don’t because of my habit of following people around with a notepad waiting for them to utter something stupid.

“I don’t believe we’ve met. Oh, really? Right next door? Ten years?”

“We’re not really budgeted for a vacation this year, what with the exchange rate and my gambling addiction.”

“I have to apologize for not reading your new book yet. It’s just that the last one was so awful.”

“That’s a great outfit! It really shows off your breasts.”

“What I really want is a job where you don’t worry so much about money and prestige. Are there any openings at your place?”

“You know what I like about you? You gain weight in places that other men don’t.”

“I’m lucky in that my business is recession-proof. People will always need stool softeners.”

“So I told human resources flat out, it’s not sexual harassment if I can prove I’m impotent.”

“I haven’t seen you in forever! Whatever happened to that morals charge?”

“I would love to show you Italy like a native. The Italy of the Its.”

“I could be further up the ladder, but I won’t play their corporate games. Men’s Room, Women’s Room — too many rules.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the air of a much more successful person?”

“Sometimes accidental electrocution can be a blessing in disguise, but try telling that to the other mothers in the playgroup.”

“You’re that pregnant man I saw on TV!”

“Have I shown you the pictures from my hernia operation?”

“Did anyone see a prescription bottle with a label reading ‘Do Not Take With Alcohol,’ and if so, were there any pills in it, and if not, do you know where the nearest emergency room is?”

“You know, in this light you don’t look cross-eyed at all.”

“Einstein didn’t talk until he was three either, but it sounds like your kid’s just stupid.”

“Did you have some work done? Because, you know, too little too late.”

“I don’t usually drink this much, but you’re insufferable.”

“I had pants on when I came in, right?”

“Aren’t holiday parties great?”